THE LOST RADIOTHERAPY TAPES - 'INSIGHT'

“The things that we spend our whole lives striving for – joy, contentment, satisfaction, worth – are right in front of us. We just need to learn how to gain the sight to see them and the strength to look within – insight.”

THE LOST RADIOTHERAPY TAPES - 'THIS SACRED GIFT'

“This sacred gift of life is one to be treasured.”

PRAISING GOD BEFORE RADIOTHERAPY

(TRANSCRIPT FROM ONE OF MY DICTAPHONE JOURNAL TAPES)

“I don’t know if it’s human nature or just me, but when I go out in the spa at night and I look up at the sky and see the myriad of stars, my heart immediately wants to praise God as He somehow seems so much more real in that stillness. However, when I look up and there are clouds in the sky, praise isn’t the first thing that comes to mind– in fact it doesn’t come to mind at all.

This makes me wonder if it is perhaps human nature to praise God when we see clear indications of Him, and physical evidence of a creator. But when there are, metaphorically speaking, ‘clouds’ over our lives and the beauty isn’t as evident, we don’t automatically praise Him, if we do it at all. We may still believe God is real, but it’s not on the tip of our tongue to praise Him.”

THE RADIOTHERAPY LOST TAPES - INTRODUCTION

In early 2002 they found that my brain tumour had increased in size. After a lot of discussion with my oncologist it was decided that I would have radiotherapy.

In the months that followed, various tests and scans were done taking extremely precise measurements of my brain and I was booked in to have a mask made of my skull. This was first done in plaster of paris and then a clear plastic mask with a hole in it where the rays would enter. After the many months of assessing and sizing things up, to try and ensure they hit exactly the right area, I was booked in to have six weeks of radiotherapy later in the year.

Having the increase in tumour size brought up new fears, but it somehow also greatly enhanced the stunning, simple beauty of life. In dealing with the new concerns with my tumour and the possible bleakness of the future, I became so acutely aware of all the beauty that there was to find in life in spite of my condition.

During this time I became too weak to write and instead kept a journal on a dictaphone that I bought for this purpose. It was my companion and I found it very cathartic speaking about everything that I was working through and coming to terms with - my dictaphone tapes were my very real 'conversations' as I worked through it all, sometimes several times a day. 

 Six years later, in 2008, I could not find the tapes that I had recorded and thought that I had somehow lost them when we moved towns in 2003.  I found this thought that I could have lost them very upsetting as, due to my memory problems, I had no recollection of what was going through my head during that time period.  I knew, however, that I had processed and thought about life a lot.

In mid-2009 I randomly stumbled across all of the tapes that I had recorded. On the evening of finding them I decided to listen to one of these tapes before I went to sleep but I had no idea just how bad a move this was!  I had no recollection of ever sounding so incredibly weak and found it so harrowing that I barely slept that night!

I haven’t listened to the tapes since then but for the sake of this blog, and sharing that challenging part of my journey, I am now going to listen to them and share the fears, insights and blessings from that time with you.

The blogs to follow this one are going to be transcripts of the recordings from during that time and are straight from those lost tapes.

IN SPITE OF PAIN CHOOSING HAPPINESS

As the months of 2001 rolled on I began to realise that the move home was going to be long term, I also began to accept that the continual pain was going to be the same. But the biggest hurdle I had to get over was a mental one.

In the five years before moving home I had always linked being unwell, and being in my home town (and away from my university friends) with feeling depressed and irritable. Late in 2001 I started to think seriously about the fact that if I continued to have that attitude I could potentially spend the rest of my life feeling miserable.

It was in seeing this that I came to realise that I had a choice I had to make. Either I could go on with these negative feelings whilst being unwell, or I could choose to be happy in spite of the continual pain. I chose the latter.

This decision, I believe, was one of the best decisions I have made in my life. Now, 10 years on, with many more hurdles I have had to overcome, I consider it a blessing to know that no matter what is happening in my physical state, I can still live with peace of mind, contentment, and joy.

HE ALWAYS ANSWERS

As the months went on, after moving home, I tried accept the fact that it was going to be a permanent move. At the same time I was cryng out to God frequently and asking Him to remove the continual pain I was in. I felt really confused about it all and why, in spite of my pleas, God didn’t remove the pain.

I really began to question whether God heard my prayers and if so, why He didn’t answer them.

It was in doing the art work below that I believe that God really showed me something. He showed me that whenever I prayed He did hear my prayers and did always answer them, just not in the ways that I had expected Him to.

                              He Always Answers

When we call out to God in times of need and desperation, He always answers.

However, he does not always change the circumstance.

What He does promise us though, is that he will be our strength and give us the peace we need to get through that circumstance.

This painting symbolises peace (blue) coming over like a wave. That all-encompassing peace leads to an upsurge of joy (yellow) in one's spirit, which then gives the emotional strength to be able to stand back from the circumstance and see our passions and dreams being fulfilled on the horizon.

It is in gaining this perspective that we are then able to turn the next page in the book of our life.

© Gabrielle Bryce

14^th July, 2001